The Suicidal Pattern
I really do not know how many people would resonate with this specific story, but as I started to write it, I realized how many more people than what I might have thought, may resonate with it.
The first time I thought about committing suicide was when I was around fifteen or sixteen years old. I seriously considered it. I meant it, I knew that I could and would go through with it.
As soon as I did mean it, the awareness of my family came to my mind. And the thought of causing that pain to them, specially to my parents made me change my mind, and instead, I chose to keep facing or dealing with whichever pain I was feeling at the moment, which felt unbearable. Hence, the wanting to end this life.
I think that is the main root cause for those who have ever tried or seriously considered acting on it. Some depth of pain that feels too unbearable, even if some people are not aware that the pain is what is underneath whichever symptoms they have. I am not only saying this because of my personal experience. It is also because of my professional experience as a therapist and having some clients who tried to end their life more than once. The root was always pain.
The second time I thought about killing myself was after a breakup when I was a bit older. The thought came and in that moment, I realized that I was putting the value of my whole life in one area of my life (and one person). And because that area of my life was not going the way that I would have wanted it to go, and again it was causing a lot of pain, then I thought the rest of my life wasn’t worth it, as if there was NOTHING else to live for… Which of course, was not true…
At that moment I literally got up from my bed (where I was lying down crying for the third or fourth consecutive day, feeling sorry for myself, as a victim and with no desire to keep living). I stopped crying, got up and went outside of my bedroom just to keep going with my day. I just went on with my day like any normal day, focusing on simple daily tasks.
In that moment, that was the best thing I could have done, after realizing the association I was making by putting the Value of My WHOLE life in one part of my life breaking down…
Everything else in my life was okay. I had so much to be grateful for, and at that moment I could have enough clarity in my mind to see those things as well, and not allow the one painful part to drown the rest of my life.
Now, this might sound like if it was easy for me to do, as I say it. But no, it wasn’t. I still had to walk around with a dark heavy cloud over my head every day. I still cried everyday for a while. I still felt sad, and I still did not want to do many things in my day. I had to gather extra strength from some place within which I did not know I had, to find joy in the little things during each day.
One thing I can tell you is that you need to take one day at a time. One step at a time. One getting out of bed at a time, and one enjoyment of a meal one day at a time.
That second time I thought about it was over ten years ago, and along those years, I have realized many different layers to those very deep feelings of sadness I had since I was a teenager, which always took me to the default thought of ending life or not wanting to live... It has taken me many years to have a better understanding of why and from where I was having those very deep feelings of sadness, and then the default mechanism of just ending life.
I have been in my own personal and spiritual growth journey since I have memory. One of the things that I got to remember in these past few years while going through the healing process was that as soon as I came into this world, and specifically when I got out of my mother’s womb, as I took my first breath, I breathed and felt so much sadness in the collective energy of the Earth. It was so much that it got stored in my subconscious and my body immediately, it just went to the shadows…
I was a happy and joyful child. I was like a ray of light smiling and bringing joy to wherever I went. I felt at ONE and complete peace with nature and animals. That was my conscious side, the side that was in the light.
However, the unconscious sadness I took when I came into the world went straight to the basement of my mind and my heart. Thus, it stayed there for a few years, but these things don’t just stay there (or disappear with time), they keep growing and getting stronger as we do not acknowledge or become aware of them.
Then when I entered my teens, which is already a tricky and complex age on itself, is when that pain got triggered and the mechanism of suicide came out.
The other thing I have realized in these past few years is that I have had a past life history of suicide… That is why the “go to “ response whenever something is going “wrong” and is causing me pain, then the solution is to take your own life. For me, the way I have gotten to understand that pattern is that it comes from the ultimate ego control game.
My ego used to take over completely with the idea of “control” and having a “solution”. It made me feel that I had the control over the unwanted situation. The best way to end the unwanted painful situation is to end the life, and you feel that you have that control.
This is the specific pattern that maybe some other people can resonate with. I certainly do not think that everyone who has tried to commit suicide or thought about it, has a past life history of suicide mechanism as what I have personally realized. BUT, if that makes sense to you as you know your unique life story and you know how you feel inside, then maybe it will help you to have a better understanding and compassion for yourself.
The important thing is that we bring it into light and consciousness so we can actively choose to live this time around. To live our life no matter how much pain we still feel from the world, from earth and from others. We need to actively choose to live our life the best way we can because we choose to and we deserve it.
Take one day at a time, one step at a time. Put your daily self-care practices as a priority. Learn to build healthy boundaries mentally, emotionally and energetically. Practice embodiment and grounding. Acknowledge the things and blessings you do have.
Holistic practices, like mindfulness, yoga, qigong, just breathing and connecting with your body will bring you to the present, to your life. It is also very important to be in constant release of old pains and wounds from our emotional body, and from our ancestral inheritance.
I personally have been blessed enough to have great helpers and teachers along the way who have supported me in some of my hardest and darkest times, and I think anyone who might have seriously thought about ending their life or tried to, should and needs to get professional assistance, and even better if that professional has a holistic knowledge (mind.body.emotions.soul), including the spiritual factor, because the spiritual factor affects the way that you as an unique individual might be responding or not responding in this current life experience.
**Please look for professional support if you have been feeling depressed or have had thoughts about ending your life. Look for someone who would really help you. Do not get advice from peers on social media and just anyone talking and giving mindless advice.
Give yourself the gift of having another opportunity to do things differently by giving yourself time to really heal and clear your shadows from past wounds, with the right help.
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