Things I Learned From Being With, or Meeting the "Wrong Man"

I learned that there are no "wrong" men for you.

There are men that come in specific moments of your life because that is what you need in that moment for you to learn, heal and grow.

Thanks to them, I learned to have more respect for myself,

I learned to unconditionally love myself,

I learned to accept myself more fully with my strengths and weaknesses, with my humanness and "women's stuff".

I learned that whatever experience of pain and hurt it's nobody's fault . They are all opportunities for healing and growth. 

I was able to discern what I really wanted for myself. 

I learned the things that were a real deal breaker for me and which were not.

I learned to set and communicate my boundaries very clearly in a respectful and compassionate way. 

I learned that you need to speak very clearly and directly to men . Saying exactly what you need and want. Say Yes when it is yes; No, when it is no, and I don't know when you don't know, and don't feel bad or guilty about it. For me this way of speaking has expanded to everyone I know, not only with men - as I realized that it's the best way to stay out of unnecessary misunderstandings and wasting precious time- 

I learned that some men come to remind you of your own value and worth by treating you with honor, honesty , care, kindness and respect. 

And some other men come to test your boundaries and challenge your ego (and you) with power control games... 

Some men are insecure and you cannot do anything about that. That is on them to work through those wounds.

Some men are Real gentlemen who would not step on your dreams or hold you back or make you feel insecure or like something is wrong with you.  They will make you feel supported, loved and appreciated just as you are. They will be happy seeing you shining your unique light and caring for yourself and your life . They will not be intimidated by your power. 

Insecure, conditioned and selfish men will almost always make you feel that it is your fault (anything that happens), as he does not take responsibility for his side of the equation.  He will not want you to rise (specially if it's "higher" than him). He will want to keep you tie down , held back , making you feel guilty for having "too much light".

Not believing or supporting your dreams and joys as much as his. 

Making everything ABOUT HIM. His dreams, his career , his goals, his family, his pains, his needs, his wants, what he feels and thinks .... and you need to be there all the time to care for and support HIM first.... before caring for you- 

As you can see, all these learning are infinitely valuable if you are a woman, and more if you are a heterosexual woman. 

Today, I know how to set my healthy boundaries, I speak and communicate them clearly, compassionately and honestly

- ( Sometimes IF they are not being heard and respected you will have to leave the situation and/or the person, and that is you having the courage to respect You and your life. -)

I stand in my light and power with no shame or guilt and if that intimidates a man, then too bad for him , that is the filter right there - 

I stand in my truth and if a man is uncomfortable with speaking truth or listening to truth, he will naturally move away from me, because I do not take or give lies, I do not play power games. As i don't do it with them, I do not accept it from them either. Or anyone , really.

I learned the infinite power of accepting and embracing my vulnerability, my nurturer nature and my softness as a woman and human being.

But what I feel might be the most important and priceless thing I learned is that the man that you choose to be with is not responsible for your happiness.  You are responsible for your happiness and for loving you unconditionally…

The man that you choose to have in your life will ADD to that happiness and to that love. Specially the man you choose as a life partner, (but this can apply to any man and any person in your life.) 

He will add and bring value, love, support, peace, security, and light into your life.  He will add to what you already have for your own, he will not come to "give” you and fulfill any emptiness that you might still have…

His presence might help you and support you for you to fill up that emptiness or lack of self love and self acceptance, BUT He will not and CANNOT fill it up for you even if he wants to. NO ONE CAN other than yourself.

How could I think that there has ever been a "wrong" man in my life?  After all the priceless learning and experiences I have absorbed.

A practical and specific tip I can give you where I know a lot of women fail, is:

IF you are a heterosexual woman who wants and needs a monogamous couple relationship with a man, you need to say it very early in the relationship, as early as possible “I want to have sex only with you and Vise versa” I want that to be very clear, if you agree with that then great.  If you want to have sex with other women at the same time as with me, then I don’t want to be part of that, because that doesn’t work for me."

And you have to move on and let that man go with his decision if he doesn’t agree.  You are deciding for you and for what you want and need.  That is your right.  IF the man agrees with you and he also wants that, he will say it and act on it.

NOTE and Dedication:

With gratitude and appreciation to each one of those men who has come into my life in various life changing moments and reminded me of my own worth and holistic beauty without expecting anything in return.  They did it with a giving and pure loving energy, with care, honesty, kindness and softness.  Thanks to these men, I know that side of men.  I know that they are not only capable of being that way with you, but that they can also be so good and natural at it without even realizing.

To all those men in the form of family members, genuine friends and ex-boyfriends.

Thank you.

-E.Y.P

@evyy.parkinson

Related reads:

• Ode to the Divine Masculine

• A letter to Men

• Strong Woman